Sano's Worst Nightmare: A Rurouni Kenshin Parody
by RedLady
Summary: When Sano's friend Katsu is captured by a strange group who call themselves the "Ruffians," will Sanosuke be able to face his worst nightmares of trains and cameras? WARNING: Ultra Randomess.
1. The Bomb Eater

**Sano's Worst Nightmare: A Rurouni Kenshin Parody**

_When Sano's friend Katsu, is captured by a strange group who call themselves the "Ruffians," will Sanosuke be able to face his worst nightmares of trains and cameras?_

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing... even this box I'm living in is on loan from U-haul... No, just kidding about the box thing, but not the owning nothing thing. Eh, never mind. Just read, don't sue....

_[Takes place after all the Shishio stuff...]_

**Chapter 1: The bomb eater**

So it was one of those bright and sunny days in Japan when nothing bad seems to be be happening. Only problem was, something bad was happening... well not bad per se. More like abnormal...

So Katsu (AKA Tsunan Tsukioka), was in his dwelling writing another story for his newspaper against all those corrupt government officials and their conspiracies. Basically, he was minding his own business, writing merrily along... But when he looked up, he realized he was surrounded by idiots... I mean ruffians. (Might as well be the same thing.)

But then that's what they were... Ruffians. Some strange group of big ugly men with their symbol on the back of their shirts. It was the Japanese character for: Ruffian. 

(And if no such character exists, just imagine it because I am no where near fluent in Japanese and am just trying to write a story here for the lack of anything better to do so get off my back and go on with the story, ok? Now that's what I call a run on sentence. Anyway. On with the story...)

"Can I help you?" Katsu said calmly.

"Actually you can." One said banging his fist into the palm of his hand. "Today is your lucky day. We were looking for someone to beat up for the lack of anything better to do. And you're it."

Katsu, never taking his eyes off them, reached under his desk slowly. "Well I wouldn't do that, you know." 

"And why not?" Their supposed leader challenged. His groupies chuckled. 

"What if I told you, I'm the Battousai?" He said darkly.

That stopped them from laughing. 

"That Battousai?" One asked.

"The Boss might be happy to hear that. I heard he's been looking for him."

"And if we bring him back, we get a raise! Get him!" The leader said, but Katsu had jumped out of his chair, pushed the desk forward, and lit a match. Lighting the fuse on a bomb he was holding in his hand, he threw it into their midst.

"Bah!" One cried. Another picked it up and put it in his mouth. The fuse went out and he swallowed.

Katsu looked on in awe. Then in shock. Then in awe again. Then after looking in awe/shock/awe, he grabbed a bunch more bombs, lit them, and threw them at the bomb eater.

"Ah! Bombs!" One cried. 

"Don't worry." The bomb eater said and took a chomp out of a bomb. Gun powder poofed around him and a fuse flew to the floor making a loud pop. He caught all the other bombs and licked them one by one before they could go off. Then smiling, he dropped them onto the floor and patted his belly.

Katsu just looked on in astonishment, but grabbed two more bombs.

"Heh, your bombs are no match for me." The bomb eater guy said and they all crept closer to the poor cornered artist gone underground newspaper writer and part time bomb maker. He was like a cornered animal stuck against the wall of his office/dwelling. But being the beloved bomb guy we all know and love (or at least I do), he wasn't going out without a bang.

"Sano..." He thought and lit both bombs. One he threw behind the crowd and the other he threw through the roof. An explosion behind them blew out part of the door and then an explosion could be heard outside overhead. Obviously, bomb eater didn't get to these bombs fast enough, but things look grim for our bad boy's friend, Katsuhiro.

~

Next chapter: What exactly does Sano find when he visits Katsu's blown up mansion... I mean dwelling... And just where exactly is this place called "Moesville?" Find out... next chapter. 

(I feel my ignorance may be shown through this story when it comes to the whole Kenshin universe. *sigh.* Correct me if you must, but be nice about it if you will.)

Oh yeah, I love the bomb guy. The bomb guy is da bomb! He's mine! But I'm willing the share. Katsu cuddles for all! 

^_^

Review. Kenshin demands it. Not really but whatever... bye.


	2. Anyone who knows anything knows the Batt...

Chapter 2: Anyone who knows anything knows the Battousai...  
  
Coincident, had it that Sanosuke was passing near Katsu's house at that exact moment. He heard the explosion and somehow knew it was connected to his best friend, the bomb guy. He ran as quickly as he could to Katsu's dwelling and threw open the half destroyed door. One man waited for him there, but it wasn't Katsu.  
  
"Who are you?" Sano demanded running up to the man. "And where's Katsu?" He continued.  
  
"Ah, yes. You must be his... friend... well, he's not here right now. He's gone to fight the Boss."  
  
"The who?" Sano asked confused.  
  
"The Boss."  
  
"But why?" Sano said grabbing the man by his shirt, wondering if Katsu had gotten into some sort of trouble by the government, even though Sano had told him to lie low for a while.   
  
"He said he was the Battousai." The man said not scared even though this big man was practically holding him a foot off the ground.   
  
"You idiot!" Sano cried. "He's not the Manslayer! Anyone who knows anything, knows the Battousai has red hair and a star shaped scare on his cheek."  
  
"I don't know... he sounded pretty convincing..."  
  
Sano looked down at the man in disbelief. "Are you mad?" He said shaking the man. "Look... did he use a sword?" He said trying to talk some sense into the smaller and dumber man.  
  
"Uh... now that I think of it, no. He used bombs. I didn't know the Battousai had resorted to explosives..."  
  
"You idiot!" Sano threw the man down in disgust. "He is not the Battousai! Believe me, I actually know the Manslayer..."  
  
"Sure, that's what they all say." The man answered rubbing his bum. Sano looked at him blankly.   
  
"Damn it! Where's my friend? He's not the one you want so why don't you just let him go!"  
  
"Well, that would prove a problem." The small man said standing.  
  
"What do you mean?" Sano demanded.  
  
"The Boss won't be happy we got the wrong guy, but the others have already taken him and gone ahead to our base."  
  
"Where is your base?" Sano demanded darkly.  
  
"Moesville."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"It's a small town along the train tracks." A loud whistle was heard off in the distance. "That's probably them now. They told me to stay behind in case anybody comes."  
  
Sano had now turned white as snow. "Is... is there another way to get to this... Moesville?"  
  
"Sure, I guess you could walk... but the quickest way is by train."  
  
"I thought so." Sano said in a high squeaky voice and then fell to the side as stiff as stone.  
  
"Are you okay, sir? Sir?" The man said poking at him. Sano just shivered still lying on the floor...  
  
~  
  
Next Chapter: What will happen to our hot looking hero Mister Sanosuke? Will he truly take the train? Well... we won't find out till probably 2-3 chapters from now... Anyway. What happens when Sano seeks help from the Kenshin-gumi? And what are Native American's doing in Japan? Find all this out and more... (or not), next chapter.  
  
FALLEN MONK PUNCH TO ANYONE WHO LEAVES WITHOUT REVIEWING! Just kidding. I must not resort to threats... Review if you want to... no ones forcing you. ^_^ 


	3. Indians in Japan?

Chapter 3: Indians in Japan?

"They kidnapped your friend Katsu because they mistakenly took him as the Battousai?" Kaoru asked. Sano nodded. "Oh that's horrible! You must be worried about him." 

"Don't worry, Sano. We'll help you get him back." Yahiko jumped down from the rafters holding a bamboo stick.

"And just how long have you been up there listening to our conversation?" Kaoru said annoyed pushing his head down. "You were supposed to be mopping the floor."

"Hey I can help too!" Yahiko complained. They glared at each other and then noticed Kenshin sitting quietly in thought.

_Cowboy music played_ as he stood up, his sword by his side. "Well if it's me that they want, then it is me they will get." He announced. "I'm sorry Katsu had to get involved in this." Kenshin apologized to Sanosuke. 

"So you're going after them?" Kaoru said worried with goggly eyes. He looked at her and nodded seriously. 

_More Western cowboy music played. _

"I shall come with you." Kaoru decided.

"Me too!" Yahiko chimed in.

_More music._

"I don't know who these 'Ruffians' are..." Kenshin began seriously.

"Oh, don't worry about that." Sano interrupted. 

"What do you mean?"

_More of that music._

Sano went outside and dragged in the same man he had met at Katsu's house. He held him by the back of the shirt. "All right everybody." Sano began haughtily. "Meet Herb. He's gonna tell us all we need to know about the Ruffians and be our tour guide through Moesville, which just happens to be the Ruffian's headquarters. Say hello, Herb."

"Hi guys." The man waved sheepishly.

They all fell backwards for the sake of a dramatic moment. "Well then, let's go." Kaoru said happily. 

"Uh..." Sano said.

_More cowboy music._

"Yes?"

"Uh..."

"What is it?"

_Cowboy music._

"What's up with that music?" He asked and they opened the back door to se a bunch of Native Americans sitting around a campfire with a tipi behind them. Blinking, they closed the door and the music stopped. Opening it again, they saw that the strangers had disappeared. 

Scratching his head, Sano said, "That was strange."

"Oro?" Kenshin oroed.

"Huh?" Yahiko said following Sano's example of scratching his head. 

Shrugging Kaoru put her hands up. "Well we might as well go save your friend, Sano." 

"Uh... one problem." Sano mentioned. 

"Yeah and what's that?" Yahiko asked.

"Uh, well, you see..." He trailed. 

"Yes?" Kaoru prodded.

"Uh, well there's this..."

"What is it?" Kenshin asked. 

"I... uh..."

"Just blurt it out already!" Yahiko said aggravated.

"Well in order to get to where Katsu is, we have to..." 

"Have to what?"

"Well, we have to..."

"WHAT!" They all yelled surrounding Sano.

He fell over again in shock, foaming at the mouth. The only words they got out of him were something about ghosts, sewers, souls, and magic. 

"Uh oh." Kaoru realized. 

"What is it?" Kenshin asked. 

"We have to ride the train."

"Not that again!" Yahiko blurbed. "You're not still scared of steam engines are you?" He said shaking the swirly eyed Sano.

"Oro?" He said with his eyes all in spirals.

"Hey, that's my line." Kenshin mentioned.

"Eh heh heh heh." Sano laughed nervously still being shook by Yahiko. 

"Come on, Sanosuke." Kaoru said dragging him by the shirt.

"Snap out of it!" Yahiko said slapping Sano across the face.

"Now, now..." Kenshin said wagging his hands around. 

Sano said nothing but, "Uh...."

@_@

~

Heh heh... Indian's in Japan... what a classic title and event that has nothing to do with the plot. 

Review now... please? @_@


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